Tuesday, June 10, 2008

its been a while since i lived life like i used to.. i miss those days when restless carefree emotion resided inside of me.. as a part of my soul.. as a part of me.. back then.. i wasn't the guy who would talk to you and immediately make you feel like nothing could go wrong as long as i was with you.. i didn't long for anything but the opportunity to be able to look my 'first' crush in the eyes and feel those little butterflies in my stomach :) .. but all those things seem to fade away with time.. only in order to make a memorable past..

its been a while since i blushed at being paired with a girl i was infatuated by.. i would like to blush like that again.. but it seems that as we move on with life.. we learn to hold on to new things and let go of the old ones.. if this is what people call maturity.. then i so want to stay immature.. just because your heart doesn't beat faster on seeing someone you are smitten by.. and mine does.. that doesn't mean 'i should learn to grow up'.. in fact it only means that my feelings seem to be coming from the right place..

its been a while since i tried to put this side of mine behind bars.. the very pool of power that i need to tap into in order to be able to write this blog and other articles that you all seem to find beautifully benevolent.. you would be wondering why i try to get rid of this apparent gift.. and if you were beside me.. i would point to the first para of this post.. and the reason would be as clear as crystal.. i don't want to be the one who understands everyone in a way that would make them witness bliss.. because the more i seem to understand them.. the less i seem to be understood.. trying to understand someone is like becoming a part of them in order to see through their eyes.. by gifting a part of your soul to them.. and i have torn my soul into so many pieces that it seems to deplete me of the one thing i wish to hold on to for the rest of my life.. 'love'.. and what do i get for making such a major sacrifice just to see you smile like a newborn? nothing but disguised hatred, loathing and jealousy.. hatred from the ones who never knew me and never will.. loathing from the ones who knew me but never cared to try and understand me.. and jealousy from the ones who knew and understood me.. but couldn't stand the fact that i was successful in doing something that confirms my stay in heaven after i die.. and all this.. before i turn 17 :)


Searching For The Right said...

...each time u mention the butterflies and immaturity....it makes me feel as if its a mortal sin to grow up...i so wanna get back to the time i first had the butterflies...jus that feeling...

and OH MY GOD ...u seem to b perfecting the art of heart felt writing!!!way to go...

$#@$(\/)!R@ said...


Clairsentient said...

your here :):):) .. i'm waiting to read some of those poems you had promised you would make me read..
and why are you not coming online these days??