Thursday, June 26, 2008

for the first time in my life.. i start to type aimlessly with no predefined motive in my head.. i dont know why i feel so restless.. maybe because the bitter thought of not being able to see you for half of the year to come.. drains me of all my astral energy.. i feel 'empty'.. and yet my heart has never been so 'full'.. of sorrow..

they say - "when the heart is full.. the eyes overflow".. and so the fact that i find tears flowing down my face every now and then does not surprise me.. god has played a very nasty joke on me.. first he completely took you away from me.. then he gave the whole of you back.. and now he will deprive me of your physical presence.. and maybe thats why i chose to write this morning.. just to let you know.. how much i love you.. and how broken i have been ever since you told me about your destined deprature approximately 2 weeks from now.. and its funny how even after being hurt individually to the same extent in our respective pasts.. i am still willing to take another chance just for the sake of letting my love survive.. but you are reluctant.. maybe because you never really looked at me as a potential mate.. or maybe because you chose to be that way with me..

well.. we are materially drifting appart.. but that will in no way affect what i feel for you.. for as long as i know that you will come back.. i will stay and wait.. just to have the opportunity to see your beautiful smile yet another time.. its going to be hard.. i know that.. but you make me want to prove to myself and the world.. that i have derived from you the very strength i use to achieve everything i want.. my destiny is no longer running away from me.. it is at a standstill.. waiting for me to come and take its hand.. and yet i see something much more important starting to slip away.. something which i rank much above my fate.. something that helped me realise my destiny in the first place.. something that makes me get back upon my feet everytime i falter, trip and fall.. its your love that keeps me safe.. because in the distance.. i see your face.. and that keeps me going..

now i feel so helpless.. knowing that i will never be the same once your gone.. and all the changes that occur within me.. are the ones you would never want me to undergo.. but thats the truth of life.. times change and people are prone to drastic distinction between what they are and what they used to be.. but i will rebel.. and i will repel.. because when you see me six months from now.. i want you to look me in the eyes.. and assure yourself that i am still the same.. and i promise you.. i will remain unchanged.. just for the sake of being able to see you once again..

p.s. i want the simplicity of our relationship to carry us all the way.. hope that persists..

Sunday, June 22, 2008

ok.. just want you to know that all the posts preceding this one have not been written with an intention of freaking you out.. they were just a doorway for me to let go of my emotional frustration.. the unhealthy feelings that crept into mind when i saw you a few feet away.. and yet i knew that the actual distance between us was very large..

am just glad we have another chance to make this work.. because when i finally talked to you today.. i felt as if it had been forever since i had heard your voice.. having spent a desired amount of time with you today.. i shall smile before i sleep for the first time in weeks.. but then you also told me about the latent future.. about the storms to come.. and i am swept of my feet by bitersweet belief as i realize.. that even if we were meant to be together in the near future.. we would be tested by the limitations of time and the unfavorability of distance.. but am ready to leave everything else behind and just wait for that one day.. when we shall be together once again..

i feels good, so so good to have you back.. and i waited all this while.. i made my love survive.. because i know.. "love is one thing that can never let you down as long as you learn to live with your eyes on the floor.. because that is as low as it can go"- Aman Dahiya

p.s. just being in love with you makes me feel so blessed :)

Saturday, June 14, 2008

friends.. the people who made me realize.. that i should not stop doing something i love just because my words failed to affect a person in a way that i wanted them to.. i thought that what i said did not even grace her.. but maybe my words just hit her harder than i expected them to.. but then i always go on telling people how friends are the most important and integral parts of our lives.. and yet i had decided to stop doing something i loved.. just because i was hurt by her.. totally forgetting .. that what i write gives my friends the strength and encouragement they need to overcome emotional obstacles in their lives.. that what comes from inside of me.. are the thoughts of millions of others who have not been able to express themselves..

ive see two of my friends fight.. and i know that out of these two.. the one who is hurt.. is the one who is capable of expressing herself.. but will not make the effort.. and the one who is at fault and willing to make the effort.. is not capable of expressing herself.. so i enter her mind.. see it as my own.. sense exactly what she wants to convey.. i type it down in words.. and send it to the one who is hurt.. minutes later.. they are talking.. they are friends again.. there is no sign of the anger that existed only moments before i made the effort to make things right.. this is where i realized how much my friends unknowingly need me.. and how hard it would be for some of them to live without a friend like me.. who can sense exactly what they seem to be feeling.. my clairsentience keeps me satisfied.. it keeps my friends happy.. thats all that seems to be of prime importance right now.. thats all that seems to make me smile.. more to myself than anyone else..

and now i know my motive in life.. it is not to try and get what i want from life.. but to try and get for my friends what life seems to be restricting them from.. and as i keep doing that.. god shall see my unselfishness and reward me with the thing i had been always wishing for.. true love..

because i ruined so many days of my life loving someone who was nothing more than a lie.. a lie to the world.. a lie to me.. a lie to herself.. and i have started to move on.. because i know.. that opportunity only knocks when your in your shower bathing or in your kitchen cooking.. and not when you seem to be standing right next to the door waiting for the bell to ring so you can grab it right then and there.. which means that we should not expect anything from life at a point when there seems to be hardly any difference between dreams and reality.. and all we should look forward to.. is the certainty that we will get what we truly desire.. provided we dont take things for granted..

attachment.. something that gives us a sense of security.. a feeling of belongingness.. and yet it curses us with possessiveness and jealousy.. which in turn leads to hatred and tyranny.. what we must learn to have.. is attachment without overboard demands.. when your with a special person.. you want everything to be just perfect.. and that sometimes makes us do too much of everything.. which in fact only makes a near immortal realationship.. slip closer to mortality..

"when a person shows faith in us.. we tend to go through rapid change in order to try and prove to them that we are different from the rest.. not realizing.. that the very reason we were chosen in the first place.. was not only because we were different.. but unique.."
-Aman Dahiya

so all that i really wanted to let you all know was this - "love life for what it has given you.. dont hate it for what it couldn't provide you with.. you are destined to get what you deserve.. but only when the time is right.. because the shadow proves the sunshine.."

Thursday, June 12, 2008

i've decided.. am closing down this blog.. no.. the purpose has not been met.. it has been discarded.. thank you.. all of you.. for reading what i held within.. its been great.. these past few days.. but all good things must come to an end.. so yeah.. i try to sign off with a smile even though tears seem to be running down my face.. take care all of you.. and goodbye..

Aman Dahiya

you called today.. and i knew bliss for the few minutes we conversed.. even though it may have been about insignificant stuff.. it meant a lot to me.. just the fact that you actually called me up against your self-isolation rules.. in order to let me know whats been going on.. makes me feel like a new born opening his eyes for the first time.. i sense myself breathing.. i hear voices around me.. voices of joy.. voices of meaning.. and yet.. tears move down my face.. i start to cry.. having just experienced the feeling of coming to life.. the most wonderful and yet the most painful realization of all time.. because now i know.. that i shall have to live.. refining everything that comes my way.. sensing emotions that affect me.. absorbing all that seems to make me feel like a part of this bleak world.. i shall be rewarded with happiness for every noble deed that commit.. and ladden with sorrow for every blunder i produce.. there shall be turning points of course.. where the choices i make will give me the power to either construct a cornerstone.. or destroy something that was already negligible..

there are things.. factors.. that shall influence the way i decipher mysteries related to my interactions with people through the astral world.. show me ways to tackle every sort of obstacle that may prevent me from getting to what i set out for.. the very thing that marks my existence.. the very essence of all thats good and true.. the depleter of negative thoughts and pessimistic belief.. "LOVE"

you must be wondering why i put so much emphasis on love.. but thats just like wondering why we need to keep breathing.. yes.. in order to survive.. love is as much of a neccesity as food or water.. if i person loses his logistics.. he might still survive.. but mark my words.. if a person holds a strong compassion for someone in their heart.. then the loss of the one they love.. would completely eradicate the existence of the soul inside of them.. and that.. is worse then death..

so no matter what may be the cosequences.. keep holding on to the one you love.. you will be tested.. and it wont be easy.. you will have to struggle and fight.. and at the same time keep striving.. keeping in mind that giving up on this.. would mean giving up on love.. giving up on life.. once god sees how true you have been to him.. once he realizes that all your actions were nothing but an attempt to keep your special someone happy.. he will smile.. and you shall be bestowed with treasures more valuable than any imaginable enitity.. if you were expecting gold.. then you will be dissapointed.. because the treasure is the prestige to be able to stay in love with the one you love.. forever..

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

i feel a change in the atmosphere.. and if you thought i was talking about the transition from summer to the rainy season.. close this page right now.. because what i am about to right after this.. will be way beyond your cognizance..

its been a rainy afternoon.. now i'm staring at the moon.. thinking.. we got too serious to soon
-Gareth Gates

why do these words seem like a white lie to me even though they have been taken from the lyrics of one of my favorite songs?.. maybe because of what akhi wrote on his blog.. about there being no age to fall in love.. and where is that written?.. no where.. its an unspoken rule of the language called 'love'.. have you noticed that philosophy mostly never has any material proof?.. whether we talk about things consecrated to vindicating someones desire to love and not get hurt..(which is not possible).. or simply about how david hit goliath in the eye with a stone from his slingshot and then cut his head off.. we only need physical evidence for something that cannot be proved using our spirituality and ability to love..

usually.. when a person seems to have a view distinct from the rest.. and if these very thoughts of his seem to make more sense than what i suppose they call "imagination overkill".. then his ideas are denounced as idiosyncrasy.. all attempts are made to prove that the person is either criminally insane or horrendously bad at expressing himself.. and they are successful.. to the extent that even a simple smile on his lips is despised as the desecration of human emotion..
the moral of the story is - if you cant join 'em.. beat 'em.. (no i did not jumble up the quote.. p.s. the word 'beat' in this context does not reffer to defeating a competitor.. it refers to literally beating the pulp out of the concerned rival.. who actually is the good guy.)

the only way we can escape the politics of our heart.. is by being ourselves.. whether you may be having a clandestine love affair.. or may simply be toying around with your imagination.. as long as you can claim to have done what you really 'meant' to do.. you will be happy.. and more importantly.. you will be satisfied.. so if you ever feel the need for a change in your life.. do so only on the material horizons.. because attempting to change what you are from within and trying to be a new person.. is like looking into the eyes of a stranger and wishing to know everything about them.. not everything is subject to change.. somethings provide foundation for the desired difference.. and you cant change the foundation of a building without making the whole structure collapse..

thousand frozen lies in the sun..
as the ice melts they are set free..
standing in between i feel the water rise..
i sink below and love is all i see..

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

its been a while since i lived life like i used to.. i miss those days when restless carefree emotion resided inside of me.. as a part of my soul.. as a part of me.. back then.. i wasn't the guy who would talk to you and immediately make you feel like nothing could go wrong as long as i was with you.. i didn't long for anything but the opportunity to be able to look my 'first' crush in the eyes and feel those little butterflies in my stomach :) .. but all those things seem to fade away with time.. only in order to make a memorable past..

its been a while since i blushed at being paired with a girl i was infatuated by.. i would like to blush like that again.. but it seems that as we move on with life.. we learn to hold on to new things and let go of the old ones.. if this is what people call maturity.. then i so want to stay immature.. just because your heart doesn't beat faster on seeing someone you are smitten by.. and mine does.. that doesn't mean 'i should learn to grow up'.. in fact it only means that my feelings seem to be coming from the right place..

its been a while since i tried to put this side of mine behind bars.. the very pool of power that i need to tap into in order to be able to write this blog and other articles that you all seem to find beautifully benevolent.. you would be wondering why i try to get rid of this apparent gift.. and if you were beside me.. i would point to the first para of this post.. and the reason would be as clear as crystal.. i don't want to be the one who understands everyone in a way that would make them witness bliss.. because the more i seem to understand them.. the less i seem to be understood.. trying to understand someone is like becoming a part of them in order to see through their eyes.. by gifting a part of your soul to them.. and i have torn my soul into so many pieces that it seems to deplete me of the one thing i wish to hold on to for the rest of my life.. 'love'.. and what do i get for making such a major sacrifice just to see you smile like a newborn? nothing but disguised hatred, loathing and jealousy.. hatred from the ones who never knew me and never will.. loathing from the ones who knew me but never cared to try and understand me.. and jealousy from the ones who knew and understood me.. but couldn't stand the fact that i was successful in doing something that confirms my stay in heaven after i die.. and all this.. before i turn 17 :)

Monday, June 9, 2008

just didn't feel like posting the last few days.. maybe its the weather thats been keeping my heart at peace.. or maybe i am just growing tiresome of the fact that there is virtually 'nothing' i can do to show you the true meaning of flamboyant feelings that seem to erupt inside of me as i write this.. and its not like everything is normal.. i have a strange feeling that this intentionally constructed communication gap only makes you go farther away from me.. why is it that you seem to be clinging on to what you considered most important in the past.. why don't you realize that what really matters lies in the present..

"let go of a sorrowful past.. and the present will seem beautiful.. even let go of a past that was beautiful.. as it only makes a sorrowful present more bearable.." - Aman Dahiya :)

sometimes your actions seem to confuse me.. the things you say are derogatory to what you do.. i guess it feels good to be the person who likes her privacy(you).. but it sucks to be the person respecting it(me).. its time you stopped accusing the rain of having made your day dull just because you haven't yet felt them drops wet your skin.. and actually stepped out into the open and enjoyed your favorite season..

sometimes i laugh while thinking of how deeply i seem to be in love with you even though i barely know you.. and even though you never gave way to even a wild possibility that we could ever be together.. i have a feeling that this might just work out.. i might just be giving myself false hope.. but then its better to feel alive about something imaginary.. than kill yourself over something that may never be.. having completely immersed myself in thoughts of faith.. i don't see any dark side to where this is going.. maybe you will come to me and give me a significant reason to keep breathing.. or maybe we will part ways without you knowing how deep my emotions seem to go.. maybe ill no longer be on this plane after happens..

the point is.. no matter what may be the end result of this underrated episode.. the only person to be affected by the outcome.. will be yours truly.. but i will live on with hope in my heart.. and faith in my soul.. that one day.. you will come to me.. and do not ask me 'why' i love you so much.. because i finished reading 'the alchemist'.. and there is this line in the book that say - 'Someone is loved because someone is loved. No reason is needed for loving'. so i don't really need an excuse to love you.. and i can do it with a heart void of reason, doubt and elaboration as to why i would never want to get over you :)

Friday, June 6, 2008

i don't know why.. but the following lyrics seem to hit me like a sudden wave of realization..

where did i go wrong, i lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitterness
and i would have stayed up with you all night
had i known how to save a life.
-The fray_How To Save A Life

its not like i can relate to the words.. because they seem to be depicting the testing times in a relationship.. and i haven't really been in one for quite some time now.. then why do i have this feeling of guilt on hearing this song? is the verse targeting the memories of my past so that i handle the future with care and efficiency? or is it trying to make me realize that somewhere.. i seem to have committed a fault which i don't really consider as one? or is it just because i played 3 hrs of basketball in the evening and am too tired to think straight?

i am tired.. yea.. very tired..

i think i should go sleep now..

yea alright .. both of us(the one reading this & me) know better than to think that i would conclude so soon.. so here goes..

it rained today.. in the past.. the rain used to signify nothing but my desire to be with my special someone.. but today.. the only thing that it meant to me was that i would have to try and enjoy this beautiful sight alone.. i didn't even try.. i chose to close my eyes and wish for you to be there with me.. but i know.. that this is as far as it goes.. i could only dream of your presence and not really have it.. now i have totally lost track of what seems to be going on in your mind.. i guess you chose to let me keep wondering.. but then i have hope.. yeah the same hope that makes my heart want you even more when so seem to push me away..

you said the more i would pull.. the faster you would break.. not thinking once before saying it.. even after knowing that the only thing i want today.. is to be able to walk among the rain drops.. holding your hand.. i was reading this book called 'the alchemist' today.. the author has written about the way we all try to teach others how to live.. without even knowing where our own destiny lies.. but what if my destiny was you?.. and all i wanted from life.. was to be the guiding light that leads you to your destiny? i don't think even the author would have much to say to that.. or maybe he would..

'Cause I want nothing more than to sit Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

yeah we both know where i have taken those words from.. but only one of us seems to have understood how deep a meaning has been conveyed through this one simple sentence.. all i want you to know is that i could have said this one line to you in a way so true.. that it would make you feel like i was the one who had written it..

i admit.. i have fallen in love with you..

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

today.. you took from me the only thing that i had been looking forward to throughout the week.. i don't really know what to say.. because you've made it pretty clear that my desire to try and lift you above all the pain and sorrow is not appreciated.. to say the least.. i didn't really have any high hopes when it came to being accepted as an indispensable part of your life.. but i did not think that you would be so frank to let me know how much of a pain i am to you.. i respect the fact that you are so outspoken.. but when it comes in the way of my self-assigned affection towards you.. the truth seems to hurt.. in fact it hurts so much.. that every time i think about it.. i don't feel like thinking anymore.. about this.. about anything.. the pain of helplessness is making me sink way below the transparent surface where my belief usually floats.. for the first time i find myself in a position where the only thing i can do.. is pray for you to accept me as i am.. to see through me.. to love me.. to feel for me exactly what i feel for you.. one day you will read all this.. and you will wonder if anyone in this world could have wished to be as true to you as i dream to be at this very moment.. but then there is this thing about intruding your privacy.. and i did not intend to do it in the first place.. but i guess i have been doing the very same thing all this while.. so i think i should just let you be.. let you heal on time and happy memories alone.. and at the same time hope that once everything is alright.. you don't forget to turn to me.. and give me what i would consider to be a well deserved hug~

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

oh.. so ignorance is bliss eh?.. yeah maybe it is when you are the one ignoring.. but let me tell you.. 'being' ignored by you does not make me feel even remotely blissful.. its hurts you know.. everyday i wake up with just one thing on my mind.. yeah.. you guessed it right.. its 'you'.. i forcefully plaster a smile across my face trying to forget how miserable you made me feel yesterday.. and the day before.. and a few days in succession before that.. with faith that today might be different.. special.. call me over-emo if you like.. but you are no better and you know that.. i just go over-board to try and be there for you.. but all you do is move away from everyone.. from me.. i know its hard to let go of someone/something you have held on to for so long.. and even harder to get over the fact that you actually did it.. but you must realize that there is barely any time left before we all move along our separate ways.. do you really think you want to spend these last few days in isolation?.. do you really think giving yourself so much pain is actually worth it?.. it seems as if you are trying to punish yourself for having committed a horrendous crime.. what you did.. gave him a chance to move on with life and find someone he was meant to be with.. and in turn gave you a chance to have a new beginning.. why don't you understand the gravity of the situation?.. why don't you visualize the number of tears shed by the ones who care for you.. seeing what you are doing to yourself.. i cried.. i cried like crazy.. i know that doesn't make you feel a tad bit better.. but its high time you analyzed how much damage you have been causing just for the sake of keeping your sorrow to yourself.. its time you let me take you by the hand.. and walk in this rain by your side.. and soon enough.. you will see the sun shining bright.. just for you..

Monday, June 2, 2008

i guess its necessary for me to release some of my astral energy through this medium of transverse mass communication everyday.. this place is a sturdy wall that just wont fall no matter how much i complain to it about things like my itching head or something more meaningful like my daily experiences into the world of emotion.. its tough to be frank.. its really hard to play the role of a modern day psychic.. keeping in mind that the human gray-matter has the ability to form thoughts relating to the most absurdly insane situations and make them seem like nothing more than the opinions coming from a few social retards.. those suggestions in reality.. are nothing but pleas from your heart.. requesting you to give your brain a break.. and give the fist-sized organ a chance.. its ironic how our heart and fists are of the same size.. and yet the non-material quantity of associative feeling the former represents is far greater than the material dominance two tight fists can show..

i guess i should tell you more about myself.. lest you get lost in the bleak reality of what i am writing here.. because i feel that getting to know me better is the only way by which you may have a chance to decipher what i mean to imply by all this.. if you are one of those people who get the chance to hear me blabbering on about how i wish to make everyone around me feel totally cared for.. in other words.. if you are one of my friends who i meet everyday and actually open up to.. then you have a lead on any random blogger who thinks himself to be the next morse in the world of human belief.. but even then.. seeing through me is in no way going to be an easy experience.. in fact i think you will need to rack your skull for the initial entry into my heart.. but once your in.. you will be laden with thoughts of divine bliss.. and you will not regret having made the effort to try and be one of those people who i will hold on to till the time mortality drifts us apart..

this little rhyme for that special someone ..

I still don't know what not to say,
because all i think of starts from you.
Maybe thats the reason every thought,
is as divine as the morning dew.

And yet i don't know how to show,
those feelings i keep hidden within.
The fear of not being loved by you,
is more punishable than a mortal sin.

The way you look me in the eyes,
its hard to not keep falling deeper.
Just give me that little ray of hope,
Of your heart.. ill be the keeper.
yeah its happened again.. this is not the first time.. but i can't help but notice a difference in the way i seem to be looking at all prospectives related to 'my' desired significant other.. i don't really feel butterflies in my stomach when i look at her.. but i feel a massive pain in my -err never mind where- when i look at that snap of hers with 'her' desired counterpart.. and then the social elements bring us closer.. but every night.. she takes herself away from me.. or at least she tries.. i don't really know how successful she is at the whole we-are-not-meant-to-be thing.. but every time.. its like a new start.. i look into her eyes.. i blush for the first time in ages.. shes looks back.. and then she winks at me with a trace of humor in that beautiful smile of hers.. but i know its only a way to avoid the embarrassment she feels when she realizes that i am not the only one whose cheeks have turned a light shade or crimson.. its not like we wanted to look so deeply at each other.. situations and a certain person made us do that.. god bless them 'varied common interests'.. but i don't know if i can carry on with what i plan to do.. there is nothing much in this for me.. except for maybe a few months of pure happiness coupled with the privilege of being able to look at her and know shes mine.. all mine.. but i am scared.. i do not wish to hurt her.. i know i wont.. and yet i can't help but wonder why i am so reluctant on letting her know how blessed she makes me feel just by being a part of my little world.. maybe because i fear, that my love may not be accepted the way i want it to be.. maybe i am afraid to get hurt again.. its happened so many times.. that i don't seem to know what is true and what is not.. and thats why.. this once.. i shall hope for a fragile sign, a little indication i may receive from her end.. just a small something which would let me know that she really does want me to hold her by the waist and dance with her on the songs of everlasting faith that will reside inside of me till the day i can no longer give myself a single reason as to why i couldn't stop myself from falling so deeply in love with her.. even after knowing that it would never work out..