been long since i last posted .. feels like an eternity since i put my literary skills to a self proclaimed test .. that is .. if you discount the poem i wrote for my sunshine(=shasmira) .. and seeing the effect it seemed to have on all the people concerned (just one actually) .. i feel i still have the thing in me..

i just want to take out my frustration in this post .. on matters that god needs to start tending to ..

well .. life is good now .. pretty good .. everything is going just fine .. of course .. leave out the fact that we couldn't manage to win a fuckin' basketball tournament even though our starting 5 consisted of four of the finest basketball players ever produced by NCS Kochi .. i shall name them .. Vikas, Ankush, Ankit and Sanjeet .. they won all kerela during their time at school .. and the 5th man being me .. a player of no extraordinary talent .. just the average of 12 points per game/15 rebounds per game /5 blocks per game .. whenever it seems like victory could be ours .. something or the other has to happen and make us think twice .. it was the rain this time .. oh wait .. it was the rain last time as well .. oh wait .. its always been the rain .. damn .. why didn't i see the pattern .. everytime i come close to fulfilling my dream of winning .. the rain comes down and washes it all away.. ever heard of rain in mid-october? .. oh yeah .. and to add to that .. we have to be up against the home team .. so that the referees can be extra partial and make us look like we could use an early shower just a few minutes into the first quarter .. life is good .. but unfair all the same ..

i try so hard you know .. so hard to learn this game that i love so much .. to fulfil my desire of playing for the national team one day .. i dont know where i go wrong .. i listen to what coach says .. oh yeah .. our coach goes by the name of Captain George .. the same guy who coached the NCS Kochi team for the better half of a decade .. he creates winners from what ive heard .. coming back to the point .. i dont understand what to do .. playing the game to the limit of my physical abilities .. stretching my endurance to a point where i would rather break .. trying to do everything i can to be the player who is proceeded by his reputation on the court.. and yet .. there is something missing .. there is someone missing ..

maybe its the off court antics in my life that keep me from reaching that level .. but what am i saying? .. i have parents who love and support me .. who are happy with the path ive chosen .. i have friends who have always envied my dedication to the game .. hoping that they too could be so devoted to something someday .. i have a girlfriend .. who is happy with the way we are .. who is supportive of the fact that i have stronger feelings for this game than what i have for her ..

but i guess this is where the tables turn .. i dont want it to be that way .. i dont want to become so ambitious that i tend to place this game above everything/everyone that ever mattered to me .. i tried .. i tried to decrease my love for the game .. it didn't work .. it just contributed to my feeling even more miserable than before .. thats when i realised .. that the only way to escape this dilemma was to find someone who would unintentionally .. emotionally .. demand more attention from me .. than basketball itself .. i know it sounds crazy .. but thats the only way out for me .. if i loved someone more than i love this game .. maybe then my life would be the way i want it to be .. maybe then i would not be bothered by the imperfection that haunts me everyday as i walk off the court .. maybe then .. i would be so so in love .. (knowing how much i love basketball .. it would really be a miracle to find someone i love more) .. that i would eventually overcome the imperfections in my game .. and become the baller that i dream to be ..

and even as i read the post all over again .. there is only one face swimming across my vision .. i just hope it stays ..