been long since i last posted .. feels like an eternity since i put my literary skills to a self proclaimed test .. that is .. if you discount the poem i wrote for my sunshine(=shasmira) .. and seeing the effect it seemed to have on all the people concerned (just one actually) .. i feel i still have the thing in me..

i just want to take out my frustration in this post .. on matters that god needs to start tending to ..

well .. life is good now .. pretty good .. everything is going just fine .. of course .. leave out the fact that we couldn't manage to win a fuckin' basketball tournament even though our starting 5 consisted of four of the finest basketball players ever produced by NCS Kochi .. i shall name them .. Vikas, Ankush, Ankit and Sanjeet .. they won all kerela during their time at school .. and the 5th man being me .. a player of no extraordinary talent .. just the average of 12 points per game/15 rebounds per game /5 blocks per game .. whenever it seems like victory could be ours .. something or the other has to happen and make us think twice .. it was the rain this time .. oh wait .. it was the rain last time as well .. oh wait .. its always been the rain .. damn .. why didn't i see the pattern .. everytime i come close to fulfilling my dream of winning .. the rain comes down and washes it all away.. ever heard of rain in mid-october? .. oh yeah .. and to add to that .. we have to be up against the home team .. so that the referees can be extra partial and make us look like we could use an early shower just a few minutes into the first quarter .. life is good .. but unfair all the same ..

i try so hard you know .. so hard to learn this game that i love so much .. to fulfil my desire of playing for the national team one day .. i dont know where i go wrong .. i listen to what coach says .. oh yeah .. our coach goes by the name of Captain George .. the same guy who coached the NCS Kochi team for the better half of a decade .. he creates winners from what ive heard .. coming back to the point .. i dont understand what to do .. playing the game to the limit of my physical abilities .. stretching my endurance to a point where i would rather break .. trying to do everything i can to be the player who is proceeded by his reputation on the court.. and yet .. there is something missing .. there is someone missing ..

maybe its the off court antics in my life that keep me from reaching that level .. but what am i saying? .. i have parents who love and support me .. who are happy with the path ive chosen .. i have friends who have always envied my dedication to the game .. hoping that they too could be so devoted to something someday .. i have a girlfriend .. who is happy with the way we are .. who is supportive of the fact that i have stronger feelings for this game than what i have for her ..

but i guess this is where the tables turn .. i dont want it to be that way .. i dont want to become so ambitious that i tend to place this game above everything/everyone that ever mattered to me .. i tried .. i tried to decrease my love for the game .. it didn't work .. it just contributed to my feeling even more miserable than before .. thats when i realised .. that the only way to escape this dilemma was to find someone who would unintentionally .. emotionally .. demand more attention from me .. than basketball itself .. i know it sounds crazy .. but thats the only way out for me .. if i loved someone more than i love this game .. maybe then my life would be the way i want it to be .. maybe then i would not be bothered by the imperfection that haunts me everyday as i walk off the court .. maybe then .. i would be so so in love .. (knowing how much i love basketball .. it would really be a miracle to find someone i love more) .. that i would eventually overcome the imperfections in my game .. and become the baller that i dream to be ..

and even as i read the post all over again .. there is only one face swimming across my vision .. i just hope it stays ..

Happy Birthday Ankesh :D .. dont let nostalgia ruin your special day..

irony.. a strong word.. a stronger influence.. on factors that contribute to my being happy with the way things are going at a particular point of time.. it should all be just the way i want it to be.. call me greedy.. greed is good.. it makes you strive for a particular aim in a way that you would have never possibly imagined.. even time seems to be ironic at this junction of desire.. as i come closer to starting on a journey which shall help me realize my dreams.. i also come closer to parting ways with the person who has contributed to all the good that lies within me today.. who has taught me not only the ways to be a better human being.. but instilled in me a confidence.. that tends to make me shiver at my ingratitude of not having been able to give anything in return for this gift of life.. i had made a mental note to never take names on my blog.. but today.. i break that rule.. in tribute to arguably the most important experience generator of my life.. Ankesh Naagar..

'Soulmate' .. just the thought or sound of this particular word makes every single person in the world imagine themselves to be in the arms of their beloved love interest.. but that is nothing but a fickle minded perception leading to a universal mindset which in turn prevents us from seeing how deep the meaning of this word really is..

you look at this pretty girl standing across the street thinking of how she reminds you of someone significant from the past or present.. and just when you are about to let the thought slip away.. you hear your friend walking next to you.. say EXACTLY what you were thinking only seconds ago.. a Soulmate.. is someone who tends to complete you in way that makes you feel as if they were born with the soul purpose of presenting to you.. the very thoughts that seemed to be occupying a better part of your thought linkage(mate) at that very instant.. but through a different medium.. just like what a MONITOR does for a CPU.. i know this sounds absurd.. but this is the crudest.. most simplest example i could come up with.. the CPU stores and processes all the data that seems to be relating to various things which are in turn responsible for the functioning of its mainframe.. but sometimes.. just processing the data and having a backup does not suffice.. and this is when we need the data in the CPU to be produced through a different medium.. and that is exactly what a monitor does.. which is just like the 'verbal representation'(screen output) of your(CPU) 'thoughts'(data) by your soulmate(monitor).. from what i said.. it may seem as if its you who is in earnest need of support from your soulmate in order for you to stay aptly sane.. but you forget that your soulmate exists with the very purpose of being able to provide you with that sanity.. and thus you complete him/her .. and you are his/her soulmate..

Ankesh.. is one such person to me.. he is someone who completes me in a way that makes me feel that i could survive a few more years provided he is there by my side.. i may make him feel like its me doing him the favors.. but what is a DUMB 'Monitor' without its 'CPU'?

the only way to get out of this is to turn my own self into a separate processing unit which shall enable to me find other devices that shall aid me with the task of functioning properly.. its time i stepped out into the open and dared the heavens to smite me.. its about time i broke into a million pieces in one go.. rather than have my soul cut into pieces and taken away from me.. part by part.. the pain is excruciating.. the loss is 'ironically extravagant' ..

i dont want to burden anyone reading this with things that are meant to be locked up and hidden away inside of me.. and so i conclude.. with words of prayer for the safekeeping of the person who taught me how to smile jusk for the sake of flashing my teeth.. ill miss you bro :)

now i feel like an aeroplane.. above the rain.. and this time.. i wont make the same mistakes.. i used to make..

the more i try to run away from my past.. the more it seems to haunt me.. one way or the other.. i feel as if its a mortal sin to try and rectify the mistakes i once committed.. its like being declared a resident of hell.. you have already lost the chance to be able to cleanse your soul.. as if it was not already bad enough being misunderstood in every imaginable sphere of life.. as if having tripped and fallen over my own untied laces was not enough to make me shiver with regret of having made so many mistakes in the times that are no longer with us..

and to think i'm gonna be getting into one of the best engineering colleges in the country tomorrow.. and yet i feel nothing special.. nothing at all actually.. sometimes the simplest of sorrows can overcome a great magnitude of happiness.. and its only because sometimes.. the simplest of joys can overcome the greatest of sorrows.. i am very messed up right now.. more messed up than i have ever been.. and its only because i cant find a single person who has a mind that operates on exactly the same frequency as mine.. sometimes i feel like ET.. but then i call akhi up.. and i remember that there are two of us..

look at me.. do i look like the kind of guy who gives a fuck?.. even if i dont.. to be honest i do give a fuck.. everyone does.. it makes the world go around.. if you actually dont give a fuck.. your not a part of the pyramid.. your a fuckin' outcast.. stop eating our grain..

lets just say.. that its time i walked away.. oh wait i dont want to sound mean.. so lets give it another try.. lets just say.. that its time i let you sail away.. you never really gave a fuck anyway.. or atleast you mentally claimed that you did not.. one way or the other.. you are no longer a part of my life cycle.. its time i stopped compromising with my desires to fulfil your needs.. its time i set things up the way i want to.. and yet i shall wait.. any maybe one day.. you will learn to live your life the way you want to.. and not the way it was offered to you.. its hard to say that i still love you.. i can sense the feeling slip away..

A New Found Glory - Forget Everything

Can we pretend for one second that we are together
What's the point of keeping my feelings at bay
It takes a lot of me
To get the nerve to wake up
Everyday

And what if I don't
Would you even care?
Would you even care?

Forget everything that we have done
Erase me
From your memory
Don't call
Don't ask about me until the day hell freezes over

I can't remember the last time I saw you smile
It might have been around this time last year
It takes a lot of me
To get the nerve to tell you everything is ok

And what if I don't
Would you even care?
Would you even care?

Forget everything that we have done
Erase me
From your memory
Don't call
Don't ask about me until the day hell freezes over

It's gone
Before you know it
You can't let go of something you've never had
It's ash until you burn it
I hope I never see you again

And what if I don't
Would you even care?
Would you even care?

Forget everything that we have done
Erase me
From your memory
Don't call
Don't ask about me until the day hell freezes over

When hell freezes over ..

'turning over a new leaf'
hard.. very hard.. just when you start to think that life has started treating you the way you always wanted it to.. a mistake from the past pops up.. blocks your path.. holds you back.. i guess that is why it is important for us to plan our ventures in such a way that they end exactly where they started.. that leaves no room for cold perspiration.. no space for freezing emotion..

you try to be genuinly nice to people.. and get the same old ragged returns.. you cant blame them.. how do they know that you are trying to start afresh? thats one unavoidable consequence of having been a jerk in the days that have passed.. you reap what you sow.. but it feels good.. to be hated.. yet not hate.. its a different experience all together.. smiling at people when they say something derogatory to your liking.. telling them how it may have hurt you.. yes.. its a pleasant/non-violent way of letting someone know that you think he's one deep ass-hole..

i owe this to my friends.. the ones who carried me home the night i was drunk.. the ones who sat awake till 6 in the morning trying to sort things out for my well being.. they saved my bottom from getting skinned.. they gave me a strong enough reason.. to change.. and i will live upto what i promised them.. even if that means taking a few punches and not giving any back.. a few bruises.. maybe a broken nose.. big shit.. ill live..

now i seem to be broadening my circle of friends.. yet narrowing my circle of trust.. there are so many people i want to include in the list of the reliable.. but i guess i dont know them well enough to let it happen.. so many innocent faces.. so many soft touches.. but i have been hurt on too many occassions.. influenced more times than i can count.. so i will have to wait.. see if my heart leads me right this time.. just the way it always does..

if you were a total stranger looking at me live my life the way i am today.. you would think i have everything i wanted.. but sometimes.. its not the material things that bring you joy.. and yet a careless venture into a beautiful pair of eyes.. can keep you smiling all day long..

i like the breeze that blows with a purpose of making each of us feel lighter than what we are.. it cleanses us of all the hostile thoughts eroding our mind of its noble character.. the wind serves as a guardian to every astral thing we hold important.. its depletes us of undesired sorrow and fills us with everlasting faith.. i love the wind.. it carries your touch..

kahi toh.. kahi toh.. hai nasha.. teri meri har mulakat mein.. :)

sometimes i just seem to run out of words.. and then i think of you.. and i am flooded with ideas and thoughts ladden with such pure feelings.. it makes me write in way that preserves all that i want to hold on to.. for the rest of my life.. like the lyrics of a beautiful song that never ends.. so you dont have to play it all over again to listen to it one more time.. it keeps playing.. i keep crying.. its the versatility of love that makes me want to hold on to the truth of what i have for you in my heart.. forever..

i take in the scent of the perfume your wearing.. i claim that it reminds me of a significant part of my past.. but i dont feel like turning to my past when i smell the fragrance on you.. i feel like coming closer to you.. sometimes the crudest things can be so symbolic of the way your feeling at a particular moment.. or the way you would have wished to be.. why could not the world shrink to a measure where being in one anothers arms would be the only option we would have?.. yeah i know.. sometimes i hope of things that are never meant to be.. and hope leads to dreams.. dreams in turn lead to fulfilment.. and yet i dont hope for the fulfilment of my dreams.. i just fulfil my dream of hoping..

yeah i am changing.. and i guarantee you.. its only for the good.. of the people around me.. of the people i specially group under the category of friends.. i am changing.. only to make it easy for myself to keep in mind the thought that after spending a day without you.. i am only a day closer to meeting you.. and i know that anyone who claims to know what i really am.. and still reading this right now.. will not believe me when i say that i will wait for you.. i will.. i promise.. i have made this confession when i was drunk.. have made it when i was sober.. sometimes you just want to hold on and never let go for the soul purpose of staying in love with a person you want to love.. even after knowing that they have no clue whatsoever about your feelings for them.. and that is only because you know that you are happier just loving them without them knowing.. than getting into a relationship with someone else just to try and make yourself get over your one and ever love..

i love you.. thats it.. thats the reason why i seem to have no interest in any seemingly good looking girl that passes by even though i claim to have found her 'steaming hot'(with mild traces of hoogaa boogaa in the background) .. and thats that. end of discussion. yea i still love you after ending the post. i love you.

yeah.. everything's settled to the bottom of the glass now.. i am happy at last.. and most importantly.. i am satisfied.. i have all that i wanted from life at this point of time.. and when you have all the ingredients for a particular recepie.. the brew has to be perfect.. but now i have to cook up something delicious before i run out of the most important component of my dish.. before i run out of time..

i have tried talking to the wind.. i have tried shouting at the starts.. i have tried fighting with the pebbles lying on the road.. i have asked them for reasons.. i have asked them for answers unknown to even the brightest minds..

this thing called love, its not a game..

brings even the noblest ones to shame..

just when your sure that you have it all..

life sticks its foot out, you trip and you fall..

broken bones and broken desires follow..

all the things that seem to leave you hollow..

and covered in tears you see her face..

its like falling face first from the higest place..

so never let your eyes replace your heart..

and let your feelings guide you from the start..

you need to move with delicate-unwavering belief..

like a tender water drop sliding down a leaf..

so we all claim that we know what we want from life.. not realising that even the weight of the thought of having a clue about what is needed by us is a lot more than we can handle.. but it seems to have become a compulsion to keep dreams which may not be fulfilled even if almighty himself tried to make it happen.. its something like flying too close to the sun and then wishing you could have gone back down at your pace.. its not possible.. because your wings are already burnt.. dont keep desires that may cost you everything that gave you the ability to have that desire in the first place..

"one form of hate extinguishes the other.. but one form of love only replenishes another " -Aman Dahiya

if you think that your mind is clouded by a negative thought at the time of making even the crudest decision.. just leave it for another time.. sometimes small choices change the course of our lives in ways that make it impossible for us to get back on track after having been deviated from it due to nasty pranks played on us by a fate imprisoned destiny.. its all in our hands.. no one controls what you shall behold..

and now as the day you sail away draws closer.. i close my eyes with hope that when i open them next.. i will see more than just a bleak outline of the uncertainty you seem to be leaving behind to keep me company.. i will wish for more than just a self-made excuse to get over you so that i can carry on with what would be a desirably better life.. and then only retrace my steps back to where i started.. because i know it would be foolish to even want to move on..

lets just say i'm happy loving you and not lettng you know about it.. that keeps me from expecting more than what i can get.. and it prevents you from pushing yourself into things you would rather avoid..

"you dont need to climb the peak of a mountain to admire its beauty.. some sights can be better appreciated at a distance.."

-Aman Dahiya

for the first time in my life.. i start to type aimlessly with no predefined motive in my head.. i dont know why i feel so restless.. maybe because the bitter thought of not being able to see you for half of the year to come.. drains me of all my astral energy.. i feel 'empty'.. and yet my heart has never been so 'full'.. of sorrow..

they say - "when the heart is full.. the eyes overflow".. and so the fact that i find tears flowing down my face every now and then does not surprise me.. god has played a very nasty joke on me.. first he completely took you away from me.. then he gave the whole of you back.. and now he will deprive me of your physical presence.. and maybe thats why i chose to write this morning.. just to let you know.. how much i love you.. and how broken i have been ever since you told me about your destined deprature approximately 2 weeks from now.. and its funny how even after being hurt individually to the same extent in our respective pasts.. i am still willing to take another chance just for the sake of letting my love survive.. but you are reluctant.. maybe because you never really looked at me as a potential mate.. or maybe because you chose to be that way with me..

well.. we are materially drifting appart.. but that will in no way affect what i feel for you.. for as long as i know that you will come back.. i will stay and wait.. just to have the opportunity to see your beautiful smile yet another time.. its going to be hard.. i know that.. but you make me want to prove to myself and the world.. that i have derived from you the very strength i use to achieve everything i want.. my destiny is no longer running away from me.. it is at a standstill.. waiting for me to come and take its hand.. and yet i see something much more important starting to slip away.. something which i rank much above my fate.. something that helped me realise my destiny in the first place.. something that makes me get back upon my feet everytime i falter, trip and fall.. its your love that keeps me safe.. because in the distance.. i see your face.. and that keeps me going..

now i feel so helpless.. knowing that i will never be the same once your gone.. and all the changes that occur within me.. are the ones you would never want me to undergo.. but thats the truth of life.. times change and people are prone to drastic distinction between what they are and what they used to be.. but i will rebel.. and i will repel.. because when you see me six months from now.. i want you to look me in the eyes.. and assure yourself that i am still the same.. and i promise you.. i will remain unchanged.. just for the sake of being able to see you once again..

p.s. i want the simplicity of our relationship to carry us all the way.. hope that persists..

ok.. just want you to know that all the posts preceding this one have not been written with an intention of freaking you out.. they were just a doorway for me to let go of my emotional frustration.. the unhealthy feelings that crept into mind when i saw you a few feet away.. and yet i knew that the actual distance between us was very large..

am just glad we have another chance to make this work.. because when i finally talked to you today.. i felt as if it had been forever since i had heard your voice.. having spent a desired amount of time with you today.. i shall smile before i sleep for the first time in weeks.. but then you also told me about the latent future.. about the storms to come.. and i am swept of my feet by bitersweet belief as i realize.. that even if we were meant to be together in the near future.. we would be tested by the limitations of time and the unfavorability of distance.. but am ready to leave everything else behind and just wait for that one day.. when we shall be together once again..



i feels good, so so good to have you back.. and i waited all this while.. i made my love survive.. because i know.. "love is one thing that can never let you down as long as you learn to live with your eyes on the floor.. because that is as low as it can go"- Aman Dahiya

p.s. just being in love with you makes me feel so blessed :)

friends.. the people who made me realize.. that i should not stop doing something i love just because my words failed to affect a person in a way that i wanted them to.. i thought that what i said did not even grace her.. but maybe my words just hit her harder than i expected them to.. but then i always go on telling people how friends are the most important and integral parts of our lives.. and yet i had decided to stop doing something i loved.. just because i was hurt by her.. totally forgetting .. that what i write gives my friends the strength and encouragement they need to overcome emotional obstacles in their lives.. that what comes from inside of me.. are the thoughts of millions of others who have not been able to express themselves..

ive see two of my friends fight.. and i know that out of these two.. the one who is hurt.. is the one who is capable of expressing herself.. but will not make the effort.. and the one who is at fault and willing to make the effort.. is not capable of expressing herself.. so i enter her mind.. see it as my own.. sense exactly what she wants to convey.. i type it down in words.. and send it to the one who is hurt.. minutes later.. they are talking.. they are friends again.. there is no sign of the anger that existed only moments before i made the effort to make things right.. this is where i realized how much my friends unknowingly need me.. and how hard it would be for some of them to live without a friend like me.. who can sense exactly what they seem to be feeling.. my clairsentience keeps me satisfied.. it keeps my friends happy.. thats all that seems to be of prime importance right now.. thats all that seems to make me smile.. more to myself than anyone else..

and now i know my motive in life.. it is not to try and get what i want from life.. but to try and get for my friends what life seems to be restricting them from.. and as i keep doing that.. god shall see my unselfishness and reward me with the thing i had been always wishing for.. true love..

because i ruined so many days of my life loving someone who was nothing more than a lie.. a lie to the world.. a lie to me.. a lie to herself.. and i have started to move on.. because i know.. that opportunity only knocks when your in your shower bathing or in your kitchen cooking.. and not when you seem to be standing right next to the door waiting for the bell to ring so you can grab it right then and there.. which means that we should not expect anything from life at a point when there seems to be hardly any difference between dreams and reality.. and all we should look forward to.. is the certainty that we will get what we truly desire.. provided we dont take things for granted..

attachment.. something that gives us a sense of security.. a feeling of belongingness.. and yet it curses us with possessiveness and jealousy.. which in turn leads to hatred and tyranny.. what we must learn to have.. is attachment without overboard demands.. when your with a special person.. you want everything to be just perfect.. and that sometimes makes us do too much of everything.. which in fact only makes a near immortal realationship.. slip closer to mortality..

"when a person shows faith in us.. we tend to go through rapid change in order to try and prove to them that we are different from the rest.. not realizing.. that the very reason we were chosen in the first place.. was not only because we were different.. but unique.."
-Aman Dahiya

so all that i really wanted to let you all know was this - "love life for what it has given you.. dont hate it for what it couldn't provide you with.. you are destined to get what you deserve.. but only when the time is right.. because the shadow proves the sunshine.."

i've decided.. am closing down this blog.. no.. the purpose has not been met.. it has been discarded.. thank you.. all of you.. for reading what i held within.. its been great.. these past few days.. but all good things must come to an end.. so yeah.. i try to sign off with a smile even though tears seem to be running down my face.. take care all of you.. and goodbye..

Aman Dahiya

you called today.. and i knew bliss for the few minutes we conversed.. even though it may have been about insignificant stuff.. it meant a lot to me.. just the fact that you actually called me up against your self-isolation rules.. in order to let me know whats been going on.. makes me feel like a new born opening his eyes for the first time.. i sense myself breathing.. i hear voices around me.. voices of joy.. voices of meaning.. and yet.. tears move down my face.. i start to cry.. having just experienced the feeling of coming to life.. the most wonderful and yet the most painful realization of all time.. because now i know.. that i shall have to live.. refining everything that comes my way.. sensing emotions that affect me.. absorbing all that seems to make me feel like a part of this bleak world.. i shall be rewarded with happiness for every noble deed that commit.. and ladden with sorrow for every blunder i produce.. there shall be turning points of course.. where the choices i make will give me the power to either construct a cornerstone.. or destroy something that was already negligible..

there are things.. factors.. that shall influence the way i decipher mysteries related to my interactions with people through the astral world.. show me ways to tackle every sort of obstacle that may prevent me from getting to what i set out for.. the very thing that marks my existence.. the very essence of all thats good and true.. the depleter of negative thoughts and pessimistic belief.. "LOVE"

you must be wondering why i put so much emphasis on love.. but thats just like wondering why we need to keep breathing.. yes.. in order to survive.. love is as much of a neccesity as food or water.. if i person loses his logistics.. he might still survive.. but mark my words.. if a person holds a strong compassion for someone in their heart.. then the loss of the one they love.. would completely eradicate the existence of the soul inside of them.. and that.. is worse then death..

so no matter what may be the cosequences.. keep holding on to the one you love.. you will be tested.. and it wont be easy.. you will have to struggle and fight.. and at the same time keep striving.. keeping in mind that giving up on this.. would mean giving up on love.. giving up on life.. once god sees how true you have been to him.. once he realizes that all your actions were nothing but an attempt to keep your special someone happy.. he will smile.. and you shall be bestowed with treasures more valuable than any imaginable enitity.. if you were expecting gold.. then you will be dissapointed.. because the treasure is the prestige to be able to stay in love with the one you love.. forever..

i feel a change in the atmosphere.. and if you thought i was talking about the transition from summer to the rainy season.. close this page right now.. because what i am about to right after this.. will be way beyond your cognizance..

its been a rainy afternoon.. now i'm staring at the moon.. thinking.. we got too serious to soon
-Gareth Gates

why do these words seem like a white lie to me even though they have been taken from the lyrics of one of my favorite songs?.. maybe because of what akhi wrote on his blog.. about there being no age to fall in love.. and where is that written?.. no where.. its an unspoken rule of the language called 'love'.. have you noticed that philosophy mostly never has any material proof?.. whether we talk about things consecrated to vindicating someones desire to love and not get hurt..(which is not possible).. or simply about how david hit goliath in the eye with a stone from his slingshot and then cut his head off.. we only need physical evidence for something that cannot be proved using our spirituality and ability to love..

usually.. when a person seems to have a view distinct from the rest.. and if these very thoughts of his seem to make more sense than what i suppose they call "imagination overkill".. then his ideas are denounced as idiosyncrasy.. all attempts are made to prove that the person is either criminally insane or horrendously bad at expressing himself.. and they are successful.. to the extent that even a simple smile on his lips is despised as the desecration of human emotion..
the moral of the story is - if you cant join 'em.. beat 'em.. (no i did not jumble up the quote.. p.s. the word 'beat' in this context does not reffer to defeating a competitor.. it refers to literally beating the pulp out of the concerned rival.. who actually is the good guy.)

the only way we can escape the politics of our heart.. is by being ourselves.. whether you may be having a clandestine love affair.. or may simply be toying around with your imagination.. as long as you can claim to have done what you really 'meant' to do.. you will be happy.. and more importantly.. you will be satisfied.. so if you ever feel the need for a change in your life.. do so only on the material horizons.. because attempting to change what you are from within and trying to be a new person.. is like looking into the eyes of a stranger and wishing to know everything about them.. not everything is subject to change.. somethings provide foundation for the desired difference.. and you cant change the foundation of a building without making the whole structure collapse..

thousand frozen lies in the sun..
as the ice melts they are set free..
standing in between i feel the water rise..
i sink below and love is all i see..

its been a while since i lived life like i used to.. i miss those days when restless carefree emotion resided inside of me.. as a part of my soul.. as a part of me.. back then.. i wasn't the guy who would talk to you and immediately make you feel like nothing could go wrong as long as i was with you.. i didn't long for anything but the opportunity to be able to look my 'first' crush in the eyes and feel those little butterflies in my stomach :) .. but all those things seem to fade away with time.. only in order to make a memorable past..

its been a while since i blushed at being paired with a girl i was infatuated by.. i would like to blush like that again.. but it seems that as we move on with life.. we learn to hold on to new things and let go of the old ones.. if this is what people call maturity.. then i so want to stay immature.. just because your heart doesn't beat faster on seeing someone you are smitten by.. and mine does.. that doesn't mean 'i should learn to grow up'.. in fact it only means that my feelings seem to be coming from the right place..

its been a while since i tried to put this side of mine behind bars.. the very pool of power that i need to tap into in order to be able to write this blog and other articles that you all seem to find beautifully benevolent.. you would be wondering why i try to get rid of this apparent gift.. and if you were beside me.. i would point to the first para of this post.. and the reason would be as clear as crystal.. i don't want to be the one who understands everyone in a way that would make them witness bliss.. because the more i seem to understand them.. the less i seem to be understood.. trying to understand someone is like becoming a part of them in order to see through their eyes.. by gifting a part of your soul to them.. and i have torn my soul into so many pieces that it seems to deplete me of the one thing i wish to hold on to for the rest of my life.. 'love'.. and what do i get for making such a major sacrifice just to see you smile like a newborn? nothing but disguised hatred, loathing and jealousy.. hatred from the ones who never knew me and never will.. loathing from the ones who knew me but never cared to try and understand me.. and jealousy from the ones who knew and understood me.. but couldn't stand the fact that i was successful in doing something that confirms my stay in heaven after i die.. and all this.. before i turn 17 :)

just didn't feel like posting the last few days.. maybe its the weather thats been keeping my heart at peace.. or maybe i am just growing tiresome of the fact that there is virtually 'nothing' i can do to show you the true meaning of flamboyant feelings that seem to erupt inside of me as i write this.. and its not like everything is normal.. i have a strange feeling that this intentionally constructed communication gap only makes you go farther away from me.. why is it that you seem to be clinging on to what you considered most important in the past.. why don't you realize that what really matters lies in the present..

"let go of a sorrowful past.. and the present will seem beautiful.. even let go of a past that was beautiful.. as it only makes a sorrowful present more bearable.." - Aman Dahiya :)

sometimes your actions seem to confuse me.. the things you say are derogatory to what you do.. i guess it feels good to be the person who likes her privacy(you).. but it sucks to be the person respecting it(me).. its time you stopped accusing the rain of having made your day dull just because you haven't yet felt them drops wet your skin.. and actually stepped out into the open and enjoyed your favorite season..

sometimes i laugh while thinking of how deeply i seem to be in love with you even though i barely know you.. and even though you never gave way to even a wild possibility that we could ever be together.. i have a feeling that this might just work out.. i might just be giving myself false hope.. but then its better to feel alive about something imaginary.. than kill yourself over something that may never be.. having completely immersed myself in thoughts of faith.. i don't see any dark side to where this is going.. maybe you will come to me and give me a significant reason to keep breathing.. or maybe we will part ways without you knowing how deep my emotions seem to go.. maybe ill no longer be on this plane after happens..

the point is.. no matter what may be the end result of this underrated episode.. the only person to be affected by the outcome.. will be yours truly.. but i will live on with hope in my heart.. and faith in my soul.. that one day.. you will come to me.. and do not ask me 'why' i love you so much.. because i finished reading 'the alchemist'.. and there is this line in the book that say - 'Someone is loved because someone is loved. No reason is needed for loving'. so i don't really need an excuse to love you.. and i can do it with a heart void of reason, doubt and elaboration as to why i would never want to get over you :)

i don't know why.. but the following lyrics seem to hit me like a sudden wave of realization..

where did i go wrong, i lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitterness
and i would have stayed up with you all night
had i known how to save a life.
-The fray_How To Save A Life

its not like i can relate to the words.. because they seem to be depicting the testing times in a relationship.. and i haven't really been in one for quite some time now.. then why do i have this feeling of guilt on hearing this song? is the verse targeting the memories of my past so that i handle the future with care and efficiency? or is it trying to make me realize that somewhere.. i seem to have committed a fault which i don't really consider as one? or is it just because i played 3 hrs of basketball in the evening and am too tired to think straight?

i am tired.. yea.. very tired..

i think i should go sleep now..

yea alright .. both of us(the one reading this & me) know better than to think that i would conclude so soon.. so here goes..

it rained today.. in the past.. the rain used to signify nothing but my desire to be with my special someone.. but today.. the only thing that it meant to me was that i would have to try and enjoy this beautiful sight alone.. i didn't even try.. i chose to close my eyes and wish for you to be there with me.. but i know.. that this is as far as it goes.. i could only dream of your presence and not really have it.. now i have totally lost track of what seems to be going on in your mind.. i guess you chose to let me keep wondering.. but then i have hope.. yeah the same hope that makes my heart want you even more when so seem to push me away..

you said the more i would pull.. the faster you would break.. not thinking once before saying it.. even after knowing that the only thing i want today.. is to be able to walk among the rain drops.. holding your hand.. i was reading this book called 'the alchemist' today.. the author has written about the way we all try to teach others how to live.. without even knowing where our own destiny lies.. but what if my destiny was you?.. and all i wanted from life.. was to be the guiding light that leads you to your destiny? i don't think even the author would have much to say to that.. or maybe he would..

'Cause I want nothing more than to sit Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

yeah we both know where i have taken those words from.. but only one of us seems to have understood how deep a meaning has been conveyed through this one simple sentence.. all i want you to know is that i could have said this one line to you in a way so true.. that it would make you feel like i was the one who had written it..

i admit.. i have fallen in love with you..

today.. you took from me the only thing that i had been looking forward to throughout the week.. i don't really know what to say.. because you've made it pretty clear that my desire to try and lift you above all the pain and sorrow is not appreciated.. to say the least.. i didn't really have any high hopes when it came to being accepted as an indispensable part of your life.. but i did not think that you would be so frank to let me know how much of a pain i am to you.. i respect the fact that you are so outspoken.. but when it comes in the way of my self-assigned affection towards you.. the truth seems to hurt.. in fact it hurts so much.. that every time i think about it.. i don't feel like thinking anymore.. about this.. about anything.. the pain of helplessness is making me sink way below the transparent surface where my belief usually floats.. for the first time i find myself in a position where the only thing i can do.. is pray for you to accept me as i am.. to see through me.. to love me.. to feel for me exactly what i feel for you.. one day you will read all this.. and you will wonder if anyone in this world could have wished to be as true to you as i dream to be at this very moment.. but then there is this thing about intruding your privacy.. and i did not intend to do it in the first place.. but i guess i have been doing the very same thing all this while.. so i think i should just let you be.. let you heal on time and happy memories alone.. and at the same time hope that once everything is alright.. you don't forget to turn to me.. and give me what i would consider to be a well deserved hug~

oh.. so ignorance is bliss eh?.. yeah maybe it is when you are the one ignoring.. but let me tell you.. 'being' ignored by you does not make me feel even remotely blissful.. its hurts you know.. everyday i wake up with just one thing on my mind.. yeah.. you guessed it right.. its 'you'.. i forcefully plaster a smile across my face trying to forget how miserable you made me feel yesterday.. and the day before.. and a few days in succession before that.. with faith that today might be different.. special.. call me over-emo if you like.. but you are no better and you know that.. i just go over-board to try and be there for you.. but all you do is move away from everyone.. from me.. i know its hard to let go of someone/something you have held on to for so long.. and even harder to get over the fact that you actually did it.. but you must realize that there is barely any time left before we all move along our separate ways.. do you really think you want to spend these last few days in isolation?.. do you really think giving yourself so much pain is actually worth it?.. it seems as if you are trying to punish yourself for having committed a horrendous crime.. what you did.. gave him a chance to move on with life and find someone he was meant to be with.. and in turn gave you a chance to have a new beginning.. why don't you understand the gravity of the situation?.. why don't you visualize the number of tears shed by the ones who care for you.. seeing what you are doing to yourself.. i cried.. i cried like crazy.. i know that doesn't make you feel a tad bit better.. but its high time you analyzed how much damage you have been causing just for the sake of keeping your sorrow to yourself.. its time you let me take you by the hand.. and walk in this rain by your side.. and soon enough.. you will see the sun shining bright.. just for you..

i guess its necessary for me to release some of my astral energy through this medium of transverse mass communication everyday.. this place is a sturdy wall that just wont fall no matter how much i complain to it about things like my itching head or something more meaningful like my daily experiences into the world of emotion.. its tough to be frank.. its really hard to play the role of a modern day psychic.. keeping in mind that the human gray-matter has the ability to form thoughts relating to the most absurdly insane situations and make them seem like nothing more than the opinions coming from a few social retards.. those suggestions in reality.. are nothing but pleas from your heart.. requesting you to give your brain a break.. and give the fist-sized organ a chance.. its ironic how our heart and fists are of the same size.. and yet the non-material quantity of associative feeling the former represents is far greater than the material dominance two tight fists can show..

i guess i should tell you more about myself.. lest you get lost in the bleak reality of what i am writing here.. because i feel that getting to know me better is the only way by which you may have a chance to decipher what i mean to imply by all this.. if you are one of those people who get the chance to hear me blabbering on about how i wish to make everyone around me feel totally cared for.. in other words.. if you are one of my friends who i meet everyday and actually open up to.. then you have a lead on any random blogger who thinks himself to be the next morse in the world of human belief.. but even then.. seeing through me is in no way going to be an easy experience.. in fact i think you will need to rack your skull for the initial entry into my heart.. but once your in.. you will be laden with thoughts of divine bliss.. and you will not regret having made the effort to try and be one of those people who i will hold on to till the time mortality drifts us apart..

this little rhyme for that special someone ..

I still don't know what not to say,
because all i think of starts from you.
Maybe thats the reason every thought,
is as divine as the morning dew.

And yet i don't know how to show,
those feelings i keep hidden within.
The fear of not being loved by you,
is more punishable than a mortal sin.

The way you look me in the eyes,
its hard to not keep falling deeper.
Just give me that little ray of hope,
Of your heart.. ill be the keeper.

yeah its happened again.. this is not the first time.. but i can't help but notice a difference in the way i seem to be looking at all prospectives related to 'my' desired significant other.. i don't really feel butterflies in my stomach when i look at her.. but i feel a massive pain in my -err never mind where- when i look at that snap of hers with 'her' desired counterpart.. and then the social elements bring us closer.. but every night.. she takes herself away from me.. or at least she tries.. i don't really know how successful she is at the whole we-are-not-meant-to-be thing.. but every time.. its like a new start.. i look into her eyes.. i blush for the first time in ages.. shes looks back.. and then she winks at me with a trace of humor in that beautiful smile of hers.. but i know its only a way to avoid the embarrassment she feels when she realizes that i am not the only one whose cheeks have turned a light shade or crimson.. its not like we wanted to look so deeply at each other.. situations and a certain person made us do that.. god bless them 'varied common interests'.. but i don't know if i can carry on with what i plan to do.. there is nothing much in this for me.. except for maybe a few months of pure happiness coupled with the privilege of being able to look at her and know shes mine.. all mine.. but i am scared.. i do not wish to hurt her.. i know i wont.. and yet i can't help but wonder why i am so reluctant on letting her know how blessed she makes me feel just by being a part of my little world.. maybe because i fear, that my love may not be accepted the way i want it to be.. maybe i am afraid to get hurt again.. its happened so many times.. that i don't seem to know what is true and what is not.. and thats why.. this once.. i shall hope for a fragile sign, a little indication i may receive from her end.. just a small something which would let me know that she really does want me to hold her by the waist and dance with her on the songs of everlasting faith that will reside inside of me till the day i can no longer give myself a single reason as to why i couldn't stop myself from falling so deeply in love with her.. even after knowing that it would never work out..